Facing Our Fears Together

 Sunday, January 19, 2014

                                         

                    "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage" Anais Nin. " 

Note:

Originally written in January 2014. I have included some revisions regarding my personal status and my journey living with bipolar disorder. Since beginning the main mental health page Living with Bipolar Disorder and the Living with Bipolar Disorder Closed Group on Facebook in April 2012, I do not think there has been a darker period than this past week and a half. The sudden death of my friend and co partner Tracey Lynn Barfield has affected so many followers publicly and in our private group. We share the loss and grief, collectively and individually.

I had grown accustomed to Tracey Lynn’s help running things before her untimely passing January 10th, 2014. I had forgotten what it was like to manage the page and group without her input.

It is hard to accept that I will not have her at my side as I continue the journey without her. To not be able to hear her voice every day or collaborate with her online as we had. Though I know I carry her with me always, I feel her presence at times, and admittedly, it has been hard to cope with the needs of so many and not be able to discuss matters with her.
I am fortunate to currently have the love, friendship, and support of two other women in group who have taken on the responsibility of administrators in helping me with the page and group. If not for them, Claire and Renee, I don't know how I would have managed this past week. 

(Update: Claire and Renee had helped temporarily until I was able to manage things once again on my own. Both have since moved on. I wish them both peace, happiness, and good health and will never forget either one of them.

Update June 2021

Over the years, I have had to delegate, and take on help once again, as the group has become larger than Tracey Lynn and I had ever imagined. Currently this June 2021 LWBD has 27.5K followers on the public page and over 900 members in the private group. These figures are small compared to other pages and groups. But I am pleased with things as they are and will see how things go from here. 

I currently have two other administrators Mike and Kendra on my team at LWBD. Mike has been a member of the private group since its genesis. He has become a close personal friend and more like family to me. He has helped me administrate part time for several years and has proven to be a prolific reader and proficient writer. He has remarkable talent and numerous strengths. Mike demonstrates strength of character and integrity, a fierce loyalty, compassion, unabashed honesty, and love. 

Kendra is a gentle-natured, kind hearted empathetic soul. She has a profound capacity to sit with the broken-hearted, hold space for them in their pain. She possesses the ability to put others at ease and make them feel safe. 

I am blessed and truly honoured to have them both as part of the LWBD team. Both Mike and Kendra work outside their homes and help with LWBD when they are available. Both help with the mental health pages and me personally as friends. 

Our group is not about numbers and or popularity. It was founded with the intention of affording people support and understanding. It was intended to let others with bipolar disorder like me feel less alone and misunderstood. People either like and benefit from our page and private support group or they do not. There are many members with overlapping disorders, such as anxiety, personality disorders, and such so we will sometimes post other mental health related matters on the main page. Every once in a while I will receive a comment or message from an angry follower asking what a post unrelated to bipolar is doing on our page. Though this rarely happens fortunately little drama all these years, I will calmly and as diplomatically as possible, point out that my life in particular, does not revolve solely round my disorder. My illness is a huge part of me, but it does not define me. I have interests and other things and people to occupy my time and attention. Things that bring me peace and joy, like art, literature, music, gardening, cooking, hanging with my family and friends. I will post something inspiring, something comical, something beautiful, and encourage others to do likewise in their daily lives. The private page, on the other hand is a discussion group where we face the darkness, our fears, suffering and continue to fight our demons together. It is a safe haven to air our grievances, experiences, to vent our frustrations and share our pain. We make space for one another, hold each other up in dark times. We are there sitting on the floor in the dark in a circle, holding hands, all across the globe. There we are understood by people we may never meet in person, with the blessed assurance that they, more than our personal friends and family, understand our struggle. No need to explain, to apologize, to fight to be seen, heard, accepted, loved. There in that darkness we are not invisible. We shine!!!

The aforementioned was the very reason I founded them in the first place. To provide what I never had at the onset of my illness. I have lived with Bipolar Disorder 1 with psychosis now for thirty two years. Literally half my life. 

Thirty-two years ago, at the onset of my disorder, and after eleven years of desperately seeking help, with my not having support, no one to talk to, to share the suffering of adapting to and learning to live with a serious mental illness prompted me to advocate strongly for such support and understanding. Once I found my voice and began public speaking in my community, I began to use my knowledge and experience and there was no stopping me. I have never looked back nor regretted being public about my disorder, or my pursuit of mental health advocacy. The need for support prompted me to found the public and private groups.

At first, it was extremely difficult without help as I cannot disregard someone's feelings or negate their pain and suffering when they desperately need help. The private group, is about sitting with someone in their suffering who needs to vent, chat, or know that you are listening, and you honestly care about their well being. You care enough to hold space for them, to extend an ear and a helping hand.

My point is, people come to group in different stages of their journey with bipolar disorder. Some are newly diagnosed, lost, frightened, confused, feeling unimaginable shame, pain, and sadness. They need to know we are here; we understand and are willing to help them cope with whatever it is they are going through. They need to know that they are not alone!

We steer them toward getting professional treatment. As in the group we can only offer so much emotional help. We are not mental health professionals and we make that abundantly clear. It is not a business! It is strictly voluntary. We may only share our experiences among ourselves. Some members have had the disorder for years and are in recovery and stable as I am. I have not been hospitalized since June 1997 (update as of June 2021; twenty-four years and counting)

Many members, like me have come to realize that toxic relationships are triggers. As part of our recovery, and as painful as it is, we often must either distance ourselves from such relationships or root them out completely. 

Some members are med compliant. Others can cope without meds. It is not our place to judge or condemn them. We each have our own path, our own drama, experiences, trauma, and means of grieving and coping with life’s challenges.
We must learn to root out toxicity from ourselves as well and learn to better cope with it as it arises. We cannot run away whenever there is a problem. We cannot recover until we face our fears, let go of the pain, the sadness and all the weight holding us down. Grief, however, is a process we cannot rush.
Tracey Lynn was and myself am as well as several of our members are Christians with an abiding love of God and respect of persons no matter their faith. Many within our group are of different ethnicities, religions, and from various parts of the world. Many do believe in the power of prayer and unconditional love. It is welcomed and encouraged here.

Though I generally pray in my faith and am prone to contemplative quiet prayer and meditation. Others are welcome to pray in whatever faith they follow whenever the need arises. And if they do not have a particular faith, or do not believe in prayer, they may offer love and light and positive energy instead. We make it abundantly clear that we do not discriminate for any reason.
Having bipolar disorder 1 with psychosis myself for the last thirty-two years, I must monitor my stress level, take my medication, and see my therapist regularly. I am fortunate to have the support of family and friends who love, respect, and accept me. They do their best to understand.

I am blessed to have the group who support me and one another. It is what Tracey Lynn and I envisioned it to be and so much more.

If anyone reads this kindly keep us all in prayer.

Lynn Marie Ramjass