A Touch of Madness

                                               

"No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness." ~ Aristotle.

My husband Ian, does not express his thoughts and feelings readily. Most men don't. When we met forty-seven years ago, I was nineteen and he twenty- five years old. Back then it was he who wished he knew what I was thinking. 

Today, at sixty-six years old, I have no qualms about sharing my thoughts, feelings, opinions, or making my needs known and setting boundaries with people I interact with in general. Most especially with him. I am no longer that shy, young nineteen year old young woman anymore. 

One of the most loving memories (and there are plenty) I have with him during our journey with living with my Bipolar disorder 1 these last 34 years, (literally half my life); is how when psychotic that first manic episode back in June of 1989. Ian lay across the foot of our bed whilst I finally slept and kept a watchful eye on me though he had to work the next day. I awoke when I reached for him and found he was not beside me

He was petrified that I would awaken in the night and wander off again, as I am known to do when I am manic. 

I awoke in the night to see him there vigilantly watching me sleep exhausted himself, confused, frightened, and at a loss to understand what had happened to me, or how to help me. 

Neither of us knowing yet what was wrong with me. A mystery that would take several more years to resolve and several more to control.

I leaned on one elbow and called out to him.

"Ian I already have a guardian angel come to bed." I then lifted the blanket as he crawled in next to me and held me. 

It is one of many such memories with him, where my sanity and life hung in the balance. For eleven long years, I swung between the pendulum of sanity and lunacy. Over the course of our forty-five year marriage there were moments where one physical or mental malady or another hospitalized me. Moments but for the grace of the universe, I could have died. Ian has stood in the fire with me each time and not shrunk back. No matter how difficult things got, he has never forsaken or abandoned me, no matter how great the temptation for either of us had been. He has proven time again, he is a good man and gained my trust and rest assured my love.

 I may never know why he loves me as purely and as much as he does,. For I have always been intense and a hot mess. But I am so grateful he sees something special in me worth holding onto. 

Lynn Marie