I
am locked in a room with a window that looks like a bubble in the centre of the
door. The walls are padded. A single thin mattress lies on the floor in the corner.
My thoughts are racing in my head like a tape recorder switched
to fast-forward. I cannot turn it off. My mind will not rest.
Memories and bits of information that I have accumulated over these past thirty-two years, race through my brain like a runaway train. I am troubled in mind, in body and in spirit. Words spew from my mouth. I am aware I am quoting Scripture, but I claim to be no one other than myself. I have not slept in three full days, nor eaten more than a mouthful of food. Mostly bread and water. I have been fasting and praying as I never have before and unsure as to why. I have hurt no one, nor caused any physical harm to myself. Why am I locked in this room? I pound on the door. But no one answers.
Many of my thoughts make sense to me. Images of my life, memories and pieces of past conversations and experiences project and flit through my brain like a movie. I can discern the associations and make the connections. But to those individuals who have thus far interacted with me, even my family and friends, but especially the staff within this hospital, I am talking gibberish. This is because, the things I say, make no sense to them.
How can they make the connections? How can I make them understand? They do not know me, not my past, and certainly not my present circumstance. Even my own husband, is suddenly unaware of who I am. He does not know or recognize me. I know I will never forget the fear I saw in his eyes. Had he given thought, or even noticed the fear in mine? Did anyone? I am talking incessantly, but is anyone other than these walls listening? Can anyone hear me? Has anyone ever really saw or heard me?
I
have been talking to walls for the better part of my life; different walls, but
walls just the same. I am exhausted, but
still, I continue pacing the room, back and forth, back, and forth. I do not
know what has happened to me. My heart pounds within my chest. I can barely
breathe and frightened to a degree that I have never known before. This is a
different kind of fear. This is something new. This is something that I cannot
explain. This is something that I cannot control. Not having that control is torturing me.
It
seemed to come on rather suddenly. I know that I am not myself. I cannot deny
that there is something seriously wrong with me. I watch the eyes of the people
who periodically peer at me through the glass. I am suddenly aware of how a
caged animal must feel. I am imprisoned in a mental ward against my will.
What
has happened to me? Can someone kindly explain? No one has really talked directly
to me since they brought me here. Everyone is either talking at me, down to me,
or for me. Questions had been directed to him (my husband) and not me. He has made
assumptions and voiced his opinions. And they (those in power) believe him.
“She thinks she is Jesus” I heard someone say. I never fucking said or ever believed that! When you asked me my name, I clearly told you Lynn Marie Ramjass. Are you people deaf, dumb, and blind?” unsure if I said it aloud or in my head. My mind continues flipping the pages of my life’s book. I want to sleep, but the fear pumps my adrenaline so much that I cannot rest. My legs feel like lead. My lips are dry, and my mouth is parched. I thirst. On a grander scale, I thirst for knowledge, freedom, and the truth. I always have and always will.
I am afraid if I fall asleep, I will not be able to fight whatever it is that has taken a hold of me. God help me! What is this? I have completely lost my mind. My brain feels as though it were on fire, and I am acutely aware of it. I am peering into the mouth of madness and all that I see is perpetual darkness.
And then it happened!
No comments:
Post a Comment