ART WORK BY LYNN-MARIE RAMJASS
"Sometimes I feel something inside me has broken.
As though a cotter pin has loosened from a wheel within my mind.
It is as though at any moment, it would spiral out of control and off its axle, and I slip into that dark void.
My thoughts flitter, fly, furiously like autumn leaves in a fall breeze.
Thoughts like leaves, spin wildly in tiny circles at my feet.
I struggle to catch my breath as a strong gust of wind robs me of oxygen.
Consciously aware the night has fallen fast, yet again.
I take a seat on a park bench and rather than plan my demise,
I choose instead to live, and patiently await the sunrise.
To feel the sun's warmth again upon my face.
They are just thoughts ugly, dark, and distorted though they may be.
Like my image peering back at me through a broken mirror.
These thoughts and feelings, they come and they go.
One would think after all these years I'd be used to it by now.
But if you had never known darkness, a darkness void of all light and sensation,
you cannot really relate, then you don't really know.
But I will love, respect, and appreciate you for trying though.
I know I will crawl my way out of it eventually. I always do.
But right now I am tired. I will be okay in time.
Please be patient with me. Try to keep your opinions and judgments to yourself.
I need no words of unsolicited advice.
Just sit on the bench with me, hold space for me in your heart, hold my hand, or me if you have a mind to.
I know I may not seem like the affectionate type. My bark is often worse than my bite.
Honestly, I crave affection and yet court rejection most of my life.
I often need a hug, a warm embrace, a kind word, a calming presence.
Sometimes one, perhaps, two or three. maybe more.
Accept it is an illness that plagues me and dogs me like my shadow.
There is no "snap out of it" because if I could, believe me I would.
But this does not work that way. Can you control the weather? Tell it not to storm on command? This is like that.
All I can do is wait it out and pray it doesn't kill me.
Try not to take my moods and strange, sudden silences personally.
I know I scare you when I get like this. It scares me too. More than you know.
For me trying to talk, to carry on a cohesive conversation is exhausting.
For I get so easily distracted by the whirlwind of thoughts in my head.
I cannot think straight, become frustrated, irritable, and angry. More so with me than with you. Therefore, I tend to shy away from people more so then usual when I get like this.
I hide because I do not mean to hurt you, for in so doing, I hurt myself even more.
Just be there. My friends, my family, and know, it hurts sometimes to breathe.
To be tortured by your own mind is a pain like unto death. I would not wish it on anyone. I cannot bear to be around people, control my tears, my emotions, or my tongue sometimes. The self loathing I feel is bad enough without others magnifying my pain, and making me feel worse than I already do.
Pray for me. And assure me you will still hold a space for me in your heart.
Keep a seat for me at your table.
I need that blessed assurance, especially when I feel this damaged.
Sometimes I ask myself "If I have lived boldly enough, loved passionately enough, laughed heartedly enough?
When will enough be enough?
Love and Prayers
Lynn Marie.
November, 2021
